Months ago, I'm talking 6-9 months ago, my husband Chris was home all day with our daughter, Camryn playing housewife. I came home and he was all wide eyed and excited. "Have you seen Home Shopping Network?!" he blurted out.
Now, this is a strange question to be faced with because I don't think we have ever uttered the words "home shopping network" ever in our years of knowing each other and furthermore, what the hell happened while I was gone?
The truth, which he didn't know at the time, is that I don't allow myself to even know about the Home Shopping Network because I am a sucker. I'd spend our life savings in the matter of minutes if I watched it.
Hell yes I need that mop!
NO! I don't want to ever be splashed in the face with shit after Camryn's clogged the toilet with God knows what for the 8346327658 time. Sign me up for that plunger!
My spice cabinet DOES need to be organized! I should buy 3 of those organizers!
Our blender is crap! I should buy this new one and we should start juicing EVERY THING!!
He was all glazed over and crazy with excitement.
"HAVE YOU SEEN THE NURTI BULLET 300?!"
I played it off like he was crazy, not wanting to tell him that I don't allow myself to watch HSN and especially not about the Nutri bullet because the idea of it is right up my alley. I have very few rules for myself but not watching shopping shows is one of the few.
He started spewing out rpm's and motor power and different vegetables and fruits and super foods that could be juiced and facts that made the Nutri Bullet 300 better than all of the other juicers. The health benefits were endless. Just think of all of the nutrients we could get if we had the Nutri Bullet 300! He continued referring to it by its full name - the NUTRI BULLET 300 - which was a for sure sign that he was in deep. Too deep.
I didn't make eye contact and changed the subject several times.
Throughout the next few months he would bring it up. As Camryn was being a picky ass about her food he would nonchalantly throw out - "Maybe we should try juicing for her." To which I would roll my eyes and tell him that he needed to let the Nutri Bullet go.
-It's not happening for the safety of our savings account. For God's sake Chris LET IT GO!- I would scream to myself.
He would come home and go into a story about a co-worker that is juicing at the office and how it looks so cool and the guy even offered to let him use his juicer but Chris couldn't because he didn't have a sack full of shit to juice. Playing the sympathy card. I held strong.
Fast forward about 9 months. We were going to bed but I wasn't sleepy so he said, "I'll find something on TV for you. Oh look...The Nutri Bullet is on Home Shopping Network." and he rolled over with the remote.
My will power wasn't strong enough. I watched. He watched out of the corner of his eye. I could feel the excitement bouncing off of him and making the bed too hot.
They were juicing freakin' everything and loving it! It was so easy! They just threw all this shit in with the peels and seeds and nuts and everything in there and then had the time of their lives slurping up the most delicious glass of health ever known to man! THEN, you won't even believe it. They made SOUP! In SEVEN minutes. I shit you not. SEVEN MINUTE SOUP! Tomato freakin' basil soup...my favorite. It was a sign.
"Chris...." I whispered, "I think we need to buy the Nutri Bullet Rx."
He popped right up....
....and we were spouting off facts about the Nutri Bullet Rx - can you believe how powerful it is?! Did you see that? Seven minute SOUP! I LOVE SOUP!! I was online (on my phone like a true addict) ordering the Nutri Bullet Rx. It was the newest one! The 300 didn't even have the capability to make soup! This one is even BETTER!
"Should we get the bag of SuperFood?" I asked a little too excited....
"THAT'S A $20 VALUE!!!"
I know what you're thinking.
You're right but you didn't see the infomercial. We were pumped and we were getting a DEAL. I mean, they only had it at that special discounted price for THAT night....and the next day. Time was of the essence.
The Nutri Bullet Rx was ordered but by this time it was delivered the high had worn off. It was left in the box in the middle of the kitchen for a few days. Camryn used it as a platform to jump off and scare and torment the dog. I realized that to use this thing you need a shit ton of fresh fruits and vegetables and our little micro apartment fridge can't handle this sort of juicing lifestyle. We also needed space that we don't have for the big ass juicer and all of its 800 attachments.
I finally pulled out the recipe book and I made soup. I made Coconut Pumpkin SuperFood Soup. Something went wrong. It looked and tasted like nothing and like baby food. I realized - I can't just make SOUP. The motor on this thing could puree a brick. I can ONLY make creamed soup. Creamed everything. And creamed anything is my least favorite texture. This was maybe not as well thought out as I thought the night I ordered it - from my phone - at 1 am.
We still haven't juiced anything and the juicing containers are too damn big to stand up in our tiny apartment cabinets. I have to lay them down on their sides and the base of the thing has to be parked in the parking lot next to my SUV.
So, what have we learned? I'm not sure but the rule is back in place and is now in affect for Chris as well - NO TV SHOPPING.