Do you ever have one of those days where.....
The poodle stinks so you put gloves on and give her a bath because even though you are a mom and have seen some nasty shit you still can't bring yourself to touch something that smells like this with bare hands. The bath doesn't help. It angers the smell. She still stinks, not like normal stink, stink like if death rotted in a hot car that was wrapped in old fish kind of stink. It puffs out of her in the most offensive and burning clouds of stink type of stink. So you brush her teeth but it doesn't help because there is nothing that can stifle the rancid smell of rotten old poodle. So you're like F it. We just have to live with this rotting smell of rot until this poodle suffocates from her own stench.
And the 2 year blonde tyrant insists on wearing her jammers (pajamas) all day because "I'm not wearing clothes today. Maybe tomorrow." and you consider letting her because pick your battles.
She asks you to unzip a bag of blocks so you do which is like the worst thing you could ever do to her. She runs and throws herself down on the floor screaming her head off because you unzipped the bag exactly like she just asked you. You tell her that this behavior is unacceptable so she throws herself at the metal apartment door clawing and screaming, "DADDDDDDYYYYY!" and you try to explain that he has escaped to NY for the week and she's looking at you like WTF is a New York? and then more clawing and screaming.
You decide that fresh air will help the situation. It'll air out the stench on the poodle and the oxygen will be a shock to the system of the little terrorist because she's been screaming for the past 2635983265987 minutes. But this too is a terrible idea.
Nothing goes as planned. The child wants to hold the leash which means that a trip to the vet is imminent because there is no way the poodle's head is going to be able to withstand the toddler leading/yanking/bossing her around the parking lot. That's right, the parking lot because there is nothing more relaxing than dodging cars while wrangling a 2 year old and a disobedient poodle in a parking lot. "GET OVER HERE BELLEBELLE!!" hard yank on the leash. The poodle hunches over to take a crap on the sidewalk and of course you don't have anymore poop bags because why would you? and the tyrant child gives the leash a hard jerk, "NO BELLEBELLE! NO!"
Enough of this shit.
You go inside and water what's remaining of the poodle. And the child starts demanding food because it's been exactly 45 seconds since she's eaten a full meal. "I want a pancake. I want a sandwich. I want a pickle. I want a popsicle." Listen here, what do you want to eat? "A sandwich." Fine.
So you pull out some bread and as you're putting it back on the pantry shelf Little Miss Never Pleased starts to pull the loaf of bread along with 87 other items off the shelf with it. "I want macaroni." No! You crazy drunken frat boy! You said you want a sandwich and a sandwich is what you're getting. 3584732649237 other food demands come plowing at your face in the 3 minutes it takes to make yourself and the wild one a sandwich.
As you're putting your sandwich up to your mouth she starts to grab it because she's already finished hers. You let her take it because you're a good and giving mother and what's remaining of your soul doesn't want another fight. She tosses it to the poodle because suddenly they are on the same team. Who needs food anyway. You settle for a yogurt and a half of a sandwich that you throw down your throat in the dark corner of the pantry while the soul suckers are preoccupied with god knows what. You hear something and find the Stink Beast poodle eating off the table.
The child doesn't need sleep. She doesn't want to take a nap. She isn't tired yet. She throws herself around in protest and to show you how sane she is and that she should be allowed to skip nap time. Tough shit. It's nap time. Hours or maybe days later she finally falls asleep.
The wind blows. The poodle goes stark raving mad and begins barking and throwing herself at the windows and doors trying to claw or throw her way to the outside world to tear the wind to shreds. You say SHHHHH!!! Be quiet you idiot! Nothing helps. There is air moving around outside and she won't quit until she's stopped it. You lunge for the poodle to strangle her but you trip and fall over a table scraping your elbow.
By 3:00 you've almost committed k9 homicide, have eaten while hiding in a closet, had your lunch stolen and given to the worlds stinkiest dog, been the reason for 97 gallons of tears being shed, dodged cars and are bleeding.
Have you ever had a day like that? Yeah, me neither.