I'm not a crier. I have feelings. I have emotion. I'm human for God's sake but I'm not a big crier. I don't get my feelings hurt and cry. I'm more on the rage and revenge side of the spectrum. I start plotting and filling up containers of gasoline and packing up the matches but no tears.
But a week or two ago I felt a little down-ish. Nothing was wrong necessarily. I'm generally pretty happy. I'm not depressed. I'm definitely bored, not the kind of bored where you have nothing to do but the kind of bored where you don't want to do any of that stuff that you need to do. I also wasn't bored enough to get up and make something happen because that would require effort and I wasn't in the mood to put forth effort.
So, anyway, I was sitting on the couch trying to understand my down-ness.
It became frustrating and a little more than a little pathetic and being pathetic makes me sad. Yes! I was sad! And pathetic! And what do sad pathetic people do? They cry. My face did feel a little weird. Maybe it was a build up of tears? Were these feelings and emotions trying to get out of my face?
Since I'm not familiar in the area of crying I decided that yes, this strange feeling in my face and down-ish feeling was simply a build up of tears and I needed to cry and get them out of my face. My Mom has always told me that sometimes you just need to cry. She isn't a crier either so I don't know where she got this information.
So, I tried to cry.
I really wanted to cry but nothing came. I could imagine that it would feel really good to have tears streaming down my face. I was getting angry at the inability to cry. I tried a little harder but nada.
I thought of sad stuff like hungry dogs, and birds that have fallen out of their nest but can't fly yet, and Sarah Mclachlan but nothing too sad that would make my anxiety kick in...I'm not crazy.
I decided to try the fake it 'til you make it method so, I made the ugly cry face to see if that would jump start the tears.
I was just sitting alone in my stupid apartment with an ugly cry face, no tears and Belle barking because she was hallucinating again. That scene alone should have made me cry but it didn't. And before I knew it, it was time to pick Camryn up and all I'd done was wasted my free time failing to make tears. The whole situation was pathetic enough that I should've cried until I was dehydrated with a face that looked like raw hamburger meat but it didn't make me cry because apparently I'm broken and I have a little pride. Or so I thought.
It wasn't until the next morning that I got some relief. I looked online and saw some highlights from the American Music Awards. I know what you're thinking. "WTF?" I watched THIS video...
Fucking Selena Gomez singing about Justin Bieber....that little punk ass twerp. THAT is what made my eyes get misty and chill bumps cover my body; not the thought of hungry puppies or fallen birds but Selena Gomez singing about her unfulfilling relationship with F'in Justin Bieber and THAT was pathetic enough to make me cry.