I sat down to write a post about acupuncture, which is one of my favorite topics to talk about, instead, I found myself pouring out a little part of my heart and soul that I’ve tried to keep hidden for over 10 years. A piece of my past that is dirty and embarrassing. A part of my past that I am ashamed of. Some people say they have no regrets and those people have either lived a painfully boring life or are completely full of shit. I’ve done LOTS of stuff I regret which is probably why I’ll never have a midlife crisis. I have learned from all of my horrible decisions but it would be a little less burdensome on my soul if I wouldn’t have been such an idiot.
Here is my secret, one of many, but one that makes my heart race just to type it. I was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship. I know what you’re thinking, it’s hard to believe a BAD BITCH like me would be in a really terrible relationship but it’s true.
It was a bad time. I was around bad people and I was in a BAD relationship. I regret this particular time of my life because I was everything in a person that I don’t like. I was easily persuaded. I was unsure of myself. I did and said things that I knew were wrong. I was a bad friend. I was dishonest. I was weak. I had quickly become a person I wasn’t proud of and didn’t recognize.
I want to say I was young and dumb but that’s not fair. Women of all ages, income and education levels can find themselves in this situation or at least that’s what I’ve continued telling myself to soften the blow to my pride.
I really was naïve and like most abusive shit bags he was good at what he did. He fed my ego, bragged about me, gave me all the lip service about how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was, gave me presents (although looking back those presents were EMBARRASSING. Think promise ring and mall jewelry store presents. Ew.) Slowly the shitty comments came sprinkled in between the praises and compliments. Then, there was nothing padding the insults.
The physical abuse came next in the form of shoves and pushes. This part is really embarrassing. I can’t BELIEVE this was my life. Shoved out of trucks. Pushed out of boats. Threats and a “teasing” attempt to run over my best friend. Yeah, he was a fucker.
He was a druggie. By the time I realized just how into drugs he was, I was in too deep and he had a firm grip on me. I remember the time I got my wisdom teeth out and the little Romeo came over to check on me. I was in pain and he comforted me by telling me the pain was all in my head and proceeded to take the painkillers for his self and left. What a sweetheart.
This is the time of my life that I began having panic attacks. Shocker. Remembering back to that time I don’t know who that little girl was. She was so young and stupid and trusting. I went from a self assured, young woman with a life plan to a broken, scared, insecure, anxiety ridden, panic stricken mess.
I lost friends. I lost hope. I lost faith. I lost self-esteem. I lost my path. I lost my plan. I.was.lost.
My parents were worried sick and P-I-S-S-E-D.
I’m not sure if it was a constant stream of prayers from my Mom or possibly a voodoo doll but I got away. It took a long time and many breakups but I got away. Another chick came along and his attentions were refocused and he could begin destroying her life. Sucked for her but I was free! I was free of him and free to start piecing back the broken pieces of my former self. I, of course, dated several other losers and continued making terrible decisions. With each loser and each bad decision I was figuring things out….slowly….but making progress. I was slowly and painfully getting back to a person that my parents raised me to be.
From what I hear the loser guy is still around. Still doing the same crap. Still a druggie. Still surrounded by weak-minded people supporting him and allowing him to be an abusive shit bag.
I don’t think of this time of my life often until Ray Rice situations come along. I feel like it was a horrible book I read, like it didn’t really happen to me. It couldn’t have! I am NOT that girl. I don’t even know people like him anymore. The type of people that I was surrounded with? I don’t know people like that. I don’t have “friends” like that. I am married to a man that supports me and loves me unconditionally. I mean, it sometimes makes his opinion untrustworthy because he is so supportive. My friends, both the guys and the girls are STRONG, SUPPORTIVE, INTELLIGENT, GOOD people. There are no drugs anywhere around me. There are no hurtful words. There is NONE of that. I went through hell to find myself surrounded by the quality of people that I call friends and family. I sometimes feel those feelings creep up of not being worthy of this life I have and these people I have. Forgiving myself is always a struggle for me but I’m working on it.
I believe that there is a silver lining to every situation so what is the silver lining here?
1. I think that I will be a better Mom because of what I’ve been through. No way I’ll let someone get their grip on Camryn like that.
2. I’m a strong and independent woman now.
3. I have quality friends and family.
4. The Shit Bag Loser is apparently still addicted to drugs so there is still hope he’ll overdose and leave this world a better and safer place. Fingers crossed!
Thanks for letting me open up and thanks for not judging me too harshly. And a big thank you to the real men out there that like Chris, who support women and build them up and put nasty little shits like Ray Rice, Roger Goodell and other shit bag losers in their place. If you support an abuser you are no better than they are and that my friends is the SUGAR FREE brutal and honest truth.
AND - if you enter your email address HERE I can deliver my crazy directly to your inbox and how fantastic is that? Don't worry, I won't spam you, I don't even know how to do that sort of thing.