Oh good another post about a depressed, self-loathing, stay at home mom blogger, just what the world needs. But just wait, there is stuff about going viral and being insulted by my 2.5 year old daughter in here and there is a lesson to be learned somewhere amidst the madness….
I’ve been dealing with some internal battles for about 2.5 years now. What started as anxiety was thrown into full post partum anxiety/depression after having my daughter Camryn. My OBGyn and general practitioner put me on Zoloft and suggested seeing a psychiatrist. I never saw a psychiatrist because why? They already put me on medication so it seemed pointless. I stayed on Zoloft for a month or so and weaned off. Not for me. I’m not “into” medication and what that means is that my pride was stronger than needing medication, or so I thought. I spent the next 2.5 years fighting my demons and trying EVERYTHING to find my happiness again. “When "THIS" happens, THEN I’ll be happy/content/fulfilled/etc.” but then the "THIS" happened and the happiness and contentment didn’t follow so I was off chasing the next “THIS”. I tried it all, acupuncture, which REALLY does help if you stick with it, meditation, hobbies, ignoring it, exercising, name it, I tried it.
Writing makes me happy or at least keeps me busy enough to not think about what’s going on inside my dark and unhappy head. But, then, writing didn’t make me happy. Nothing made me happy. I decided I would quit the blog and THIS article was sort of the lead up to the quitting point. Then, THE legging post came out and I couldn’t help myself. I blurted out my Moms Flat post and didn’t think a thing about it because I quit and I didn’t care. Someone contacted me saying my post was blowing up so I checked the stats. Uhm, yes. The post blew up and had been viewed over a million times and I had comments pouring in. This is what every blogger wants, no matter if they admit it or not, they want to go viral. I went viral. I didn’t give a shit.
Most thought it was funny and some were people with no sense of humor. My favorite was one about me being so judgmental and then she followed it up with I’m a terrible mom teaching my daughter to be judgmental. Laughable. Camryn is only 2.5 so she obviously doesn’t have the mental capability to be “judgmental” but I am a good mom and an even better teacher so trust that I will instill the ability to be judgmental into her. I mean, how can you even get upset over a comment that is the definition of hypocritical, plus, I’m a kick ass mom so when people are dead wrong it doesn’t bother me. Plus, I was already dead inside so the bad mom comments seriously didn’t bother me. Viral hate mail doesn’t even begin to faze me so try harder motherfuckers. With all of this “viral” post stuff going on which is what every blogger wants, I just didn’t care. At. All.
Then I started thinking, how would I even top that? What do you write after a viral post? People are going to expect me to be funny or a certain way or put out gold from here on out and as you can see by this post, it ain’t gonna happen but oh well, who cares. I’m dead inside so none of this matters anyway. Go out on top. That’s what I told myself. Bow out. That was the plan.
The problem with all of this (aside from the obvious) is I’m an extrovert. I’m social. I’m a “happy” person. I’m fun. I’m funny. Also, I don’t have ONE reason to be upset or depressed. I knew how to fake it in front of people. I could turn it “on” because I didn’t want anyone to know and who wants to hang out with a Debbie Downer? At home though, it was different. I would all but throw myself into the floor “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?” I would scream out as Chris gently stepped over my overly dramatic scene saying, “oh boy, here we go again.” To give the man credit, he never dismissed my feelings or me and has been more supportive than any one person ever should be.
I chatted with my friend who is a psychologist and she said, “You’re depressed.” Well! I’m not really UP for being depressed. Depression just ain’t my thang. Anxiety is my thing. I have a thing I don’t need another thing. I didn’t deserve to be depressed. Poor little middle class white girl what do you have to be sad about? Nothing! Other people deserve to be depressed, people who have real problems like illness, and homelessness, and halitosis, and other serious stuff but not me.
Maybe I was just bored? I started working on a business plan because I’m a take action kind of girl and that made me “happy” and kept me busy but the darkness was still there brewing and taunting that once the business took off THEN what? I’ll have my “THIS” but “THIS” is followed by emptiness.
I was in the car with my daughter, my 2.5-year-old non-judgmental daughter who said, “Daddy smells like strawberries!” I said, “Oh yeah! What does mommy smell like?” She said, “Onions.” ONIONS?! “Camryn, onions stink!” She said, “I know. You stink.” Well, if you think THAT is gonna make me take a shower; you’re dead wrong, kid! DEAD WRONG!
But maybe it was time to see a psychiatrist…my girlfriend gave me the name of a psychiatrist who specializes in women’s hormones and the Dr. met me on a Sunday because I was desperate and apparently reeked of onions. She explained everything to me and we came up with a plan that seems to be working.
Side note – the military should be made up of hormonally imbalanced women because we would fuck some shit up. Have you ever seen a man make eye contact with a hormonally unstable woman and live to tell about it? No. So, yeah, put women in charge and the terrorism problems will come to a swift halt.
To summarize – I’m an extrovert and even we get depressed. I quit my blog, I went viral, I didn’t give a shit, I was contacted by one of the most prestigious online publications to feature my work, and here I am telling you that kids, if you want to succeed, all you have to do is quit. No, wait, that can’t be right. If you need help see a psychiatrist and if you’re in Atlanta go see Dr. Angela Arnold in Midtown.