I mentioned that I have a daughter. Camryn is 17 months old. She is awesome and spunky and I of course live and breathe for her. I love that little human more than I ever knew possible. That is my disclaimer.
Okay, this parenting shit is no joke. I mean, I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t understand the type of difficulty that it would be. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a human to do the simplest thing, like to eat? I mean, why in the world would that be difficult? “Everyone gets hungry, therefore, they eat. It’s easy, you sucky parent.” That’s what a person that doesn’t have kids or a person that sucks at life would say. Well guess what? Not toddlers. They get hungry and so they become irrational little psychopaths. It doesn’t matter that you have prepared organic whole grain spaghetti for them. Nope. Hate it. So you steam some veggies with only the best freshly shredded parmesan cheese atop the glorious $10 mountain of organic veggies. Nope. But thanks, those are perfect to throw at the dogs. So what now? Well, now you get your ass back in that kitchen you cafeteria worker and you pull some shit together and you do it quick because the little 25 pound human beast is getting angrier and somehow stronger by the minute.
There is truly nothing more terrifying than an overly hungry or tired toddler…except maybe a toddler trying to put sunglasses on your face over and over again. Have you ever had the pleasure of experiencing that fun game? The whole time you just repent for your sins and pray to God that you don’t lose an eye because this may just be your karma arriving.
So spaghetti isn’t working and veggies aren’t working so you slam together some rice with leftovers from last night’s cafeteria of hell and maybe some grapes? Yeah, kids love grapes! Melt some cheese over it because you’re just wrecked and frazzled. No. Hate it. I mean, can you blame her though? She isn’t a stoned college dude. So you give her a cheese stick and 2 pounds of pirates booty and hope that combined with the amounts of playdoh (which is like crack for toddlers) she snuck in throughout the day that she’ll just sleep all night long.
I was talking to my girlfriend about this today and she deals with the same not eating crazy toddler phenomenon that I am enjoying. She ran into a friend that is beyond healthy. I think she invented pilates or some crap like that. Anyway, Mrs. Pilate’s kid was sitting there politely eating tofu and a boiled egg. If that’s not some classy shit I don’t know what is.
Meanwhile my poor girlfriend looking with bugged eyes while her kid is gagging over his lunchable asks, “How do you get little Yoda to eat like that?!” You know what Mrs. Pilates says? “Little Yoda here has never had junk food so he doesn’t know any different.” Oh! Well excuse the hell out of me! Like my girlfriend just started cramming gluten and anything processed down her sons throat as soon as she could shove him off of her boob. Get serious. I really hope that girl gets stuck in downward facing dog with a horrible case of gas…which I’m sure she’s never had.
I NEED Camy to eat because I NEED her to sleep the entire night. So drink up friends and hurry up and relax because this game begins again bright and early in the morning.