So, you’re knocked up? If you were planning it or not and are an adult then CONGRATULATIONS! If you were planning and it took you months and months and months of trying and trying and trying to get here…well, you and your tired vagina can rest easy now….you probably won’t be using her very much for the next couple of months (one year) so she has earned her much deserved rest. Isn’t trying to get knocked up sex just the worst?! At first it’s all sexy and fun and then it’s all just a transaction and you might as well be doing your taxes….it’s taxes sex…it’s just something that has to be done.
Here you are, all glowing (sweating) and excited (shitting your pants nervous). Now what?
First, go to your full length mirror and you write on it…OBJECTS IN THIS MIRROR ARE SEXIER AND SO MUCH SMALLER (EXCEPT MY AMAZING RACK) THAN THEY APPEAR IN THIS CIRCUS MIRROR. Okay, done. That was a big one and you should be proud of yourself for getting something marked off of your list so early in the game, you little over achiever.
Next up, buy the book What To Expect When You’re Expecting and throw it in the garbage. It’s scary and outlines in great detail absolutely everything that can go wrong in your pregnancy. Fun!
Also, throwing away money is something you should get used to because you are about to start buying a lot of crap that you don’t need and you’ll probably buy duplicates. When we first brought Camy home, she didn’t sleep at night. She would sleep in the day but not at night. People call this night confusion or having their days and nights mixed up or something like that but really it’s that sleeping through the night is just not on a baby’s to do list.
Here is one of a million examples of wasting money: We brought Camy home and she wouldn’t sleep at night (go figure) BUT one time she did nap in the pack n play that had been proudly set up in our living room for months before her arrival. It was the middle of the night and we were exhausted and delirious so we decided that Camy just didn’t like her bassinet, or little hammock thing, or her crib, or her swing, “I think she just LOVES her pack n play!” one of us said. “We should just put it in our room, I can move her bassinet and the hammock thing, and the swing, and the little swing that sits lower to the ground than the big swing and we can maybe fit the pack n play in the left over space by our bed! Perfect! Chris, you just make that thing smaller so you can carry it up the stairs where we will all enjoy two hours of sleep! Okay, babe?” I said. The problem (one of many) was that we put that sucker up way before we had Camy, when we could still read, and come up with logical thoughts (when he could come up with logical thoughts, I lost my mind as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Bye bye logic!) I waited upstairs holding my precious little screaming angel and then I waited some more and no Chris. No pack n play. I hear commotion so I know he hasn’t fallen asleep….I open the door and here is my husband in his underwear with his glasses on carrying the fully set up pack n play over his head because he couldn’t figure out how to break the thing down. (They are tricky, give it a whirl a few times before your little nugget makes the big debut). The thing is huge. The Cadillac of pack n plays. It wouldn’t fit through our bedroom door. So we took the door off the hinges. No shit. She didn’t sleep in the pack n play anyway and I kid you not, we said, “Maybe she just likes sleeping downstairs in the pack n play?” The next day we bought a second pack n play to keep upstairs. See, irrational waste of money purchases. We did take it back because surprise! She never slept in it.
Next tip: Learn to black out. Not via too many cocktails but be able to black out while still looking awake and alive. The advice you never asked for is about to start rolling in! Don’t worry; it will stop the minute you actually need some advice. You’ll post on Facebook, text every single one of your friends that has a kid or is related to a kid, set up a twitter account to reach the masses…”My baby won’t drink from a bottle or my boob or a sippy cup or a glass! What do I do?!” People will say, “Oh you got this, girl!” Where did all of the assholes with endless advice go?! Now people are encouraging? I don’t need encouragement! I need HELP! So maybe don’t use the blackout method during pregnancy because there may actually be some advice in there you need. Use blackout method sparingly. Just know how to do it in case of emergency.
Buy maternity underwear. You know those cute little VS thongs you are wearing right now? In a few months your hips will spread and your ass will become a hungry monster and will use little VS thongs as a snack. Wear them now and look at your ass in them now but when the time comes get maternity underwear. They look normalish but they are made for wider hips and I don’t know why or how they work but they do. Trust me.
Get a fan. Get a fan for your room, for your office, one you can hold in your hand and up to your face. It’s about to get hot in here and not in the way Nelly meant it but you will want to take off all your clothes. “But Lyns, I live in Colorado and its winter. I don’t need a fan.” Great point pregnant winter friend, you know that glow that pregnant women all over world at all times of the year have? It is not a magical glow. It is sweat.
Use that pregnancy card! People will be so polite and offer you their seat, a pillow, a foot rest, let you cut in line, etc. USE IT! I was all, “I’m pregnant. I’m not disabled.” Silly Lynsey. I know you feel like you are going to be pregnant forever but I promise you won’t be and when you aren’t, people don’t offer you their seat, or a pillow, or a foot rest, and if they do they are creepy and you should slowly back away from them.
Sleep now! That is the dumbest advice that every pregnant chick gets. Towards the end I really wanted to punch people in the face when they said that…especially when it was a man. Of course! Sleep! What a great freakin’ idea! I should just sleep and enjoy it because seriously, nothing is more relaxing than having a human kick your insides while your feet, legs, back, and hips are cramping. It really just entices you to lie down and snooze it up! It’s the best! That’s why whenever I get a massage I always ask for the special kick me in the ribs massage because it’s so soothing. Eff off. Do not tell me to enjoy sleep. Sleep is an impossibility. So shut it! You go to sleep and stop talking! Ass.
My incredible sister in law sent me this book when I found out I was pregnant and I would read it to Camryn in my belly every day. I would go in her room and rock in her chair and read this little book to my big ol' growing belly, and I would cry, (like I am crying now just thinking about it) because it is just such a sweet little book to bond over with your baby and the words at the end are so true.
I really hope you enjoy your 9 or 10 months of pregnancy (I still don’t totally understand that part). Get prenatal massages, take advantage of people helping you, enjoy over analyzing every item you put on your registry, enjoy stalking your registry to see if anyone bought you anything, enjoy changing your registry after you read a bad review on a swaddle on amazon, enjoy talking to your belly and telling that little kicking ball that you can’t wait to meet him or her and that they are going to be more loved than any other little human out there.