Anxiety is a soul sucking whore of a beast.
I don’t know why I have anxiety. I honestly don’t remember not having anxiety. It is only recently after talking to a dear friend that overcame a brutal case of anxiety and agoraphobia that I’ve decided that I’m not accepting this shit anymore. My entire life I have accepted anxiety as part of my personality but I’m done with that. Well, I’m trying to be done with that.
If you have never experienced anxiety before let me just say that the jealousy and confusion I feel is indescribable. Good for you. Now go away you calm, collected, sane freak.
My husband has never for even a moment experienced anxiety and I’ve tried explaining it to him and I fail miserably every time. I’ll try to explain it to you. This is my anxiety talking to me during a little attack. You are about to see that anxiety is not at all likable.
It’s me, Anxiety. I noticed that you are really enjoying the day and well, I really can’t allow that to happen because I am a piece of shit. So, how about we really think about some of your deepest darkest fears for no reason at all and really get into that deep dark place of doom. Now, let’s really start to have some fun. Let’s up that heart rate to what feels like about 250 bpm, add some body sweats, don’t bother trying to focus on an object…you are too dizzy for that and you are too honed in on the fact that you are having some anxiety and hey! Maybe you’re about to pass out OR shit your pants because now your stomach is cramping. Maybe taking some deep breaths will help? I’m sure deep cleansing breaths would help but unfortunately it feels like you have a chimpanzee sitting on your chest and a plastic bag wrapped around your face. Everything is closing in and no matter where you are the space feels like you are wrapped in saran wrap and can’t move or breathe. Let’s not leave your brain out of this little party…maybe this ISN’T anxiety?! Maybe this is what death feels like? Yes, you are most likely dying from some sort of undiagnosed life threatening illness. OR maybe you are legitimately crazy and you will feel like you do in this exact moment for the rest of your life! Maybe someone will put you in a padded room and you will never see the light of day again. Oh my God, maybe you are really about to lose it and run around throwing things and hitting people! You’ve never done anything like that before but people go nuts everyday and this is probably your day! Maybe you don’t even know how to walk anymore. Wanna try to walk outside and get some fresh air? Too bad your legs don’t work anymore. You should try just lying down and pulling your worthless tingling appendages by your arms. That won’t cause a scene or look strange. Oh, oh, or maybe you will pass out and shit your pants in the middle of Target and your child will be running around unsupervised and get stolen by some sort of deviant. The possibilities really are endless! Isn’t this the best?! I just love our time together. Maybe I’ll start coming more often!
That is sort of how my anxiety feels. I hope that you never experience any of it. Not only does it suck but it’s embarrassing. It’s a hard thing to talk about because it makes me feel like less of a person. It’s a bruise on my fragile ego for sure. I’ve started opening up about it more and I’ve found that more people than I ever imagined also suffer from anxiety.
So, if you understand this all too well just know that you are not alone my friend. You are not alone!