On New Year's Eve morning, I went for a day of relaxation with my girlfriend Jana to a Korean bath house. My mother in law had been and she said in her thick Spanish accent, "They scrub you like a pig and WOOSH! throw a bucket of water on you. You will love it."
Here is what we knew about it: you get naked, get scrubbed like a pig and get massaged by women. That last part is important to me as I explained in this post.
It sounded a little weird but we were up for something different. I find that in a strange way I like things that make me totally uncomfortable. It makes me feel alive. Some people go sky diving to get a rush...I put myself in the most uncomfortable situations imaginable to feel alive. To each their own.
We were nervous but we were ready. We were a little too ready.
We walked in and handed over our I.D. in exchange for our one size fits all cardboard brown uniform and a numbered locker key. We walked through the door to the locker room a little giggly, nervous and excited...sorta like falling into Alice's rabbit hole.
We found our lockers in a back secluded corner, where I'm sure they stick all of the newbies, and gave each other one last clothed look....here goes nothing.
We put our clothes including our uniforms in the locker and walked out into the middle of the locker room with nothing but a numbered locker key around our wrists. There we were. Naked. Alone. Confused.
Luckily a little Korean woman walked over to us and said, "Put on uniform."
OH! This isn't the get naked part? Gotcha.
We went with quick little steps, giggling, back to our corner and put our elastic shorts and boxy v neck shirts on. I looked at Jana who was laughing at the uniform hanging off of my 12 year old boy body and said, "I'd never make it in prison."
We got the tour of the place including the all women's area and the common area which is a big open area where you can eat, sleep, lounge, and use different types of saunas. We saw what I'm assuming was a couple napping, well, she was napping and he was "rubbing her lower belly region", we saw a man watching a live birth on his lap top and a kid playing a handheld video game in the "Jade Room" which is some sort of magical jade infused sauna.
We were told to shower with the bar of soap that was provided before doing anything. The women's area is one big open space including the showers. The room is all tile, showering areas, tubs of varying degrees, saunas, scrubbing areas, Korean women in mesh underpants, and then women of all walks of life.
We decided to relax in the warm tub before we were called for the skin scrub that we signed up for. Out with the old skin and in with the new...getting scrubbed like a pig....what a perfect end to 2013. We sat in the tub just the two of us and talked about life and kids and husbands and sex and all the stuff that friends talk about with naked women all around us chatting, relaxing and getting scrubbed.
We were really having a great time and then two other women entered our warm tub. Now, I don't want to sound hateful because I am sure they were lovely ladies, however, these two women were clearly inbreds. I know. There really is no delicate way to put it but they were. I think they were sisters and mother and daughter and aunt and niece all at the same time. They had a specific look to them that only inbreds have. Along with the thin lipped, underbite, relative of Honey Boo Boo features, one had a very large tattoo of a cartoon character sitting on her belly button and the other had tattooed birds flocking towards her nipples on each breast. I'm not JUDGING. I'm painting a picture for you. I looked to Jana and said, "Did you ever picture yourself sitting naked in a hot tub with two inbreds?"
Before she could answer her number was called for her skin scrubbing.
She looked at me after taking a more detailed look at our next area and said, "Shit, we are going to be on Dexter tables." She was right. We were on our way to being scrubbed like barn animals on a serial killers kill table.
What happened next deserves its very own post and I hope you'll join me tomorrow for the details of what took place on that kill table..I mean, massage table.