Where did we leave off? Jana and I are soaking in a warm tub with two inbreds and her number was called to hop on the kill table and take what was coming to her...let's continue...
Okay, we were being a little dramatic about the kill table. John Lithgow wasn't there and there was no Saran Wrap involved. The tables were cushioned and water proofed plastic. The room was lined with busy mesh clad Korean women in their mid 50's, scooping tupperware bowls of warm water out of plastic garbage bins that had hoses constantly pumping warm clean water into them. The walls had metal shelves filled with bars of soap, hand towels, and other things that I couldn't make out because before I could take a more detailed inventory my number was called and it was time to hop on my kill table and get to know my scrubber in a way that I only know my husband, gynecologist and waxer.
I was pointed to the table directly beside Jana. I looked over at her as the first few layers of skin were being scrubbed off of her legs and she said, "Oink, Oink" before the laugh could escape me a tupperware bowl full of warm water was thrown all over me, in my eyes, up my nose and other parts of me that I was unaware were showing and the pig scrubbing began.
The amount of detail that these women go into cannot be explained. Every crevice was scrubbed...twice. You don't get 5 layers of skin off by gently massaging it. These women scrub like they get paid by the pound of dead skin they turn in at the end of the day.
The grayish brown crumbles of skin that came off of our bodies was both impressive and disgusting. All traces of DNA were scrubbed away and down the drain.
I managed to make eye contact with Jana. Through clenched teeth, with my leg being held up, and my arm being held over my head at the same time I said, "We should commit a crime after this."
We were jarred, scrubbed, flipped, turned upside down, on our sides, on the other side, legs up, arms up, and before I knew it our heads were at the other end of the table getting our hair scrubbed which I totally didn't see coming and for some reason the longer this process went on the more pissed my scrubber seemed. She scrubbed my head like I had personally offended her by being there.
45 minutes later...yep, it takes 45 minutes to get the first 5 layers of skin off of your entire body and scalp..Jana and I were back to a fresh solid layer of tingly pink skin. Her lady flipped her to a vertical position and sent her on her way with a handful of liquid soap. A few minutes later my mesh clad lady flipped me to a standing position, pointed me away from her and I went stumbling away confused, feeling sunburnt, a little sore and looking for Jana.
For some reason I could barely focus. I think my eyeballs were jarred loose during the process.
I finally found her in a hidden showering area beside two other women who were sitting on foot stools shaving their legs because why not shave your legs in a very public shower. She took one look at me and started to laugh with her brows pinched in like she was a bit concerned. "WHAT IS ON YOUR FACE?!" What? What face? I was still confused and impressed with myself for surviving the entire thing unlike my first Brazilian bikini wax experience. (We may or may not get into that later.) After further inspection we came to the conclusion that at some point my lady put the soap I was supposed to use to wash my body on my face. Jana's lady put her soap in her hand. My face was used as a soap dispenser. Sounds about right. I wiped the soap and remaining dignity off of my face and took the third shower of the day.
We put on our prisoner uniforms and checked out the several different types of saunas. We sat on the tile floors perched against big wooden logs and talked some more while other people watched live births on their laptops, napped on the hard tile floors, ate, and I swear I saw one guy working in excel. It was a freaking melting pot of weirdness.
Eventually we made our way out of the rabbit hole and back into the real world in search of food. The guy at the front desk recommended a place down the street. We drove to it and under the bright neon lights of the restaurant name it said, "Bicycles and Karaoke". Food, bicycles and karaoke? With one glance at one another and not another word we turned around in search of a place to eat that didn't involve falling down another rabbit hole.
I know what you are thinking, what a horrible experience! I actually loved it! I've never felt cleaner and dirtier at the same time and I can't wait to go back! I wish I had known about this place after I had a one on one pilates lesson with the 4' mullet sporting creep that had a foot fetish because after that I definitely wanted all of my skin scrubbed off...
***AFTER POST UPDATE***
YOU GUYS!!! I wrote this post and then decided to google around about the Bicycles and Karaoke situation so maybe I could get a picture or something for you guys. It appears that had we decided to go in that would've been a 4 part post! I'm just going to say that the place APPARENTLY doesn't have food, bicycles or karaoke....but I bet you can guess what they do offer....side-stepped a land mine there.