We've been to the doctors office too many times recently with ear infections. Doctor visits are the worst experience aside from meeting people out for lunch with Camy, excuse me while I slit my wrists because eating out with Camryn is maybe the most unenjoyable experience ever. The doctors office is the second worst ring of hell. It is a grab bag of germs, screaming kids, tainted toys and books that kids want to lick. You go for an ear infection and god only knows what you are going to leave with but you can pretty much bank of some diarrhea at the very least...which brings me to the beginning of me being a horrible mom.
Doesn't every great story start with diarrhea?
She was sick and there was diarrhea just everywhere. At one point her diaper was like a fish bowl of crap and I had no idea how to even get it off of her. She was panicking and sorta squatting trying to escape the mess frantically saying, "POOP POOP!!!" I took her in the bathroom and took the diaper off of her and put it to the side. Then, what happened next was just white rugs, tile, and diarrhea.Everywhere.
Enter ANOTHER ear infection.
Enter two year molars.
Enter separation anxiety phase.
Exit sleeping of any kind.
Enter horrible mom. Hi! That's me! My name is Lynsey and you can stop competing with me because I am the worlds worst Mom. Thanks for playing.
It's the NOT sleeping that kills me. She isn't waking up crying. Crying breaks my heart. What she is doing is screaming like a wild cat. Do you know Burger? Meet Burger the cat...This is DEAD ON to the sound that is waking us out of a deep sleep.
As you can imagine, when jolted out of a deep sleep with this sound, it is both alarming and floods my body with feelings of terror, confusion, and anger. You see, the first 7 times this happened we went running to her room to see what was going on. We expected to find some horrible scene of some sort but instead were greeted by a little Camy looking at us with wild hair and big eyes and she says, "Moo Moo Cow. Moo Moo Cow stuck." in her chipper little munchkin voice.
What does Moo Moo Cow mean you ask? We have no freaking clue. None what so ever. But she really wants to talk about him in the middle of the night along with chatting about Nelly. Bellebelle. Moo Moo Cow. Eaaaaaaasy horse. Eaaaaaaasy barn. Basically she runs through every word and phrase she knows, names everyone on both sides of the family and screams like Burger the cat when we attempt to put her back in her crib. Sounds cute, huh? Three weeks and no naps of this. Burger is not cute after three weeks.
And I'd really like to know who the heck Moo Moo Cow is and why is he stuck? What happened? Moo Moo Cow is really the big mystery here.
How am I a terrible mom? Because I am annoyed and I am out of sympathy and THAT is terrible.
Yesterday I woke up and said, "I am about to go get Burger out of her crib, and I am going to have patience because I love her more than life itself and she is obviously going through a hard time transitioning between human child and wild cat. I will remain calm. I am a good Mom!" And off I went. Determined. Confident.
I lost my shit by 9 am.
"Nelly stop farting."
"Belle stop trying to eat Camryn's food."
"Camryn don't hit Bellebelle."
"Camryn do not kick her either."
"Belle stop trying to lick Nelly's butt."
"Camryn! Do not lick Nelly's tail!"
"Nelly stop making your butt look so appealing to Belle and Camryn."
Here comes a tantrum....
Why? Because, "Camryn, Nelly does not want you to touch her eyeball."
Medicine time: Camryn spits the entire dose of medicine out of her mouth.
This was the push over the steep, dark cliff that I have been staring down for days.
I screamed at her.
"CAMRYN!!!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT??"
Like she's going to answer me with a logical answer, "You see, Mommy Dearest, I don't care for the taste or the chalky texture."
I flung the towel I was holding down on the ground, threw the little plastic syringe down on the ground, threw anything that was in arms distance of me down on the ground and stomped off huffing and puffing and clenching my teeth. Sounds like a pretty amazing mom, huh?
And I wonder where she gets her temper?
There is always a dog or Camy on my leg or some something trying to walk in between my legs. I am always tripping over something. I am always smelling a poopy diaper or Nelly's farts. Nelly is a boxer and if you are familiar you know they are always farting. Belle is always licking herself and she just stinks in general. It is always something. My sister in law said it best, "Being a Mom is a constant assault on your senses." TRUE.
All I wanted was to use the bathroom alone and in walks Nelly and Camy. Nelly leans into my leg and farts and Camryn plops down in front of me and eats a banana. I could hear Belle climbing like a goat on Camy's table to eat her left over breakfast but who really cares at this point.
I wouldn't want anyone to talk to me the way I talked to her. I don't remember my parents ever talking to me like that. Maybe they did and I don't remember it and that is what I am hoping for.
I vowed to myself (again) that I would be a good Mom, just as soon as I got out of the bathroom. I apologized to her. We had a great afternoon and it was smooth sailing except she didn't take a nap. Bed time was a breeze.
Chris and I went confidently to bed at 11 and were awakened by Burger at 1am. 1 freaking A.M. That is 120 entire minutes of sleep.
I felt like someone threw a bucket of ice water in my face. I shot up in bed. I had to do inventory. Where the hell was I? What is my name? Who am I married to? What day is it? Where do I live? Quick! Figure everything out. Something is happening.
And so began another five hour long night of trying to tame Burger the cat. And as I sit here shaking and praying and typing out my confession I find a little peace hidden in my closet, with ear plugs, and relaxation music playing through my phone. I will be a better Mom. I will have patience.
I'm thinking about two nights ago when my Mom came over to play with Camryn and she was blowing bubbles with her and pretending to eat them and Camryn was doing her amazing belly laugh that she does when something is too funny for her to handle. And I'm thinking what is my problem? I should be enjoying her like that. I shouldn't be snapping her cute little head off. I shouldn't be annoyed that she is apparently morphing into a wild cat. That's probably not even something she can help. I shouldn't be surprised or even angry when she acts like a little beast when she clearly gets that horrid temper from me. I should be understanding and loving and patient and nice.
I should just get used to all of this because one day, God willing, I am going to be going over to her house when she is totally exhausted with her own kids and I will get down on the floor and pretend to eat bubbles with them and I will be the loving and patient savior that she needs just like my Mom ALWAYS is for me.
So, for now, I will leave you all and hurry up and relax for ten minutes before I have go back to dodging swats by my angry, wild cat with a loving smile on my face.